


Of Mischievous Dwarf Princes & Baby Dwobbits

by darth_stitch



Series: A Cracked Hobbity Fairy Tale Headcanon [2]
Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Crack, Dwobbits, Fairy Blood Explains Inexplicable Babies FTW, Fili and Kili are Life Ruining Little Shits, Humor, M/M, Mpreg, Spot the Shamless Sherlock References, They really wanted a new cousin okay?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-19
Updated: 2013-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-29 20:14:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/690992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even when one is supposedly living "happily ever after," there's always a few surprises in store for Certain Hobbits With Took Fairy Blood and their beloved, if occasionally Stubborn Kings Under the Mountain.  Also known as "How Fili and Kili REALLY wanted new little cousins to play with and effectively ruined the life of the hapless Fuzzy Blue Alien Fan Fiction Writer."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Mischievous Dwarf Princes & Baby Dwobbits

This work, in its original form, was first posted at [The Blanket Fort - Darth Stitch on Tumblr](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/41331535616/of-mischievous-dwarf-princes-baby-dwobbits-an)

[   
](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/image/41331535616)

There is a place where Thorin Oakenshield does not die, where his sister-sons Fili and Kili do not fall in a vain attempt to save their beloved uncle and king’s life.  There is a place where Thorin passes the most difficult and crucial test of his kingship, where he allows himself to see that the Arkenstone and all the Treasure of Erebor is worth absolutely _nothing_ if it meant sacrificing the lives of his Company.  There is a place where Thorin takes back his hard and cruel words to his Hobbit Burglar and asks him for forgiveness.

This strange and wonderful and occasionally Very, Very Odd Place is where this Story Begins. 

The Courtship of Bilbo Baggins and Thorin Oakenshield was a source of great amusement (not to mention all the wagering that went on) to twelve Dwarves, one Wizard, a pair of Squirrels, a Hedgehog, a Warg and even a Dragon.   
  
Yes, Smaug _did_ get into the Bagginshield Betting Pool, though it was quite late and very nearly won but he had to content himself with losing to Fluffy the Warg.

Thorin soon realized that because of Bilbo, his family now boasted of some Very Strange and Decidedly Odd Members, but Bilbo reassured him that Strangeness is perfectly all right, considering that Bilbo was not just a Baggins, but a Took and the Strange and Decidedly Odd was the Took Clan’s Unofficial Motto.

“If I’m to be considered a part of the Royal Family of Durin then you’re part of mine, Thorin Oakenshield and that means you have Baggins, Took and Brandybuck cousins into the bargain,” Bilbo told him.  “I am dreadfully sorry about the Sackville-Bagginses though.” 

“Perhaps we could have Smaug eat those obnoxious relatives of yours,” Thorin remarked.  “That confounded dragon ought to be good for _something._ “ 

“You mean, other than help us in the defense of Erebor?” Bilbo said archly.

“I would appreciate it if he kindly refrained from eating my nephews,” Thorin retorted.

“We were roughhousing!” Kili protested.  “And Smaug likes being scritched in that particular spot on his belly!” 

Smaug averred that he considered the Company of Thorin and the citizens of Erebor to be part of his Hoard now and no Dragon worth his scales would even think of harming them.   Though he was perfectly willing to roast any of these so-called Sackville-Bagginses.  Smaug refused to eat them outright as he rightly feared that they might not be too good for his digestion. 

They were, indeed a Very Peculiar Royal Family now but even Thorin Oakenshield had to admit he liked it very much.  Also, the look on Thranduil’s face whenever he had to visit the Lonely Mountain, only to be narrowly stomped on by giggling Dwarf Princes, a Dragon and a Warg, not to mention two Squirrels and a Hedgehog racing about like children, was absolutely worth the entire Treasury of Erebor. 

Yes, Fili and Kili were quite sure they would never quite grow up. 

Of course, when Bilbo’s relatives came for the Wedding of the King Under the Mountain to his beloved Hobbit Burglar, it must be said that Erebor was never the same after a Hobbit Invasion.  As Erebor was not exactly just a leisurely walk from the Shire, Bilbo's assorted relatives stayed for a good three months.   It was quite a merry gathering and while the Hobbits were happy to feast, they also brought help for the farms being set up around the Mountain and Dale.  It must be said that the Farming and Gardening Advice from the Gamgees filled up quite a few tomes in the Library of Erebor and were very much valued as a treasure of good, stout hobbit-sense on growing food and herbs.      
  
Bombur had never feasted so well after Hobbit cooking was introduced into his own Dwarven culinary repertoire.  Ori was promptly adopted by a bunch of the Took and Brandybuck aunties for being “a sweet lad” and his knitting skills. 

And of course, there were the hobbitlings. 

Bofur and Bifur delighted in making toys for the little ones.  Dwalin was persuaded (though it must be said that he didn’t need much convincing) into play fights with the little ones while they went on their own Quests fighting against evil goblins and orcs.  The canny Dwarf actually did incorporate some basic self-defense lessons into the playing. 

As for Fili and Kili and the Company’s Animal Companions?  They were in utter bliss.  To be perfectly fair, the two young Dwarf Princes did know how to attend to their duties and did these things very well. But they did enjoy having a great many playmates amongst Bilbo’s many cousins, nephews and nieces and the animals, including the Dragon, were quite happy to have so much loving attention from tiny, gentle scritch-giving hands. 

But children were precious to Dwarves and Dwarf children were very few so perhaps the following exchange wasn’t so surprising.

“Uncle Bilbo,” said Kili.  “Couldn’t we just keep even _one_ little hobbitling?  Please?”

“Oh dear Valar,” said Bilbo.  “You learned That Look from my Cousin Periwinkle, didn’t you?” 

“He’s perfected that look since he was a Dwarfling,” lamented Thorin.  “He didn’t really need to learn it from _anyone_.  Fili has it too.”

Bilbo knew perfectly well that Fili and Kili used Those Looks on him when they wanted fourth and fifth helpings of their favorite honey and coffee cake, a treat they were introduced to by Bilbo himself when he made it for his two favorite boys.  Those Looks were very hard to resist but Bilbo steeled himself all the same.

“The little ones all have parents to go home to,” Bilbo said quite sternly.  “If you and Fili want a little hobbitling cousin of your own to play with, you two need to be patient and give _me_ a few months to work on it.”

The King Under The Mountain quite promptly lost his kingly dignity and dropped the plate of dessert he was holding.  “You were saying, my dearest burglar?”

Bilbo blushed.  “Oh dear.  Well you were there too!  And you were quite …. erhm… _enthusiastic_ during the process…. “ 

“Well, that’s one way of putting it,” Bofur commented wryly.   
  
 _"Bofur!"_ said a scandalized Dori.   
  
Of course, Bifur had to put his two cents in, which prompted Dori to clap his hands over Ori's ears, much to the younger Dwarf's protests and Nori soon had to wade in to sort that scuffle out, being as Ori was quite old enough for _adult_ conversation, no matter what Dori had to say about it.    
  
In the meantime, Thorin Oakenshield was waiting for his husband of three months-odd to start making some sense.    
  
Naturally, Bilbo gestured vaguely to his belly, which, of course, hid the mischief glinting in those dark blue eyes.  "Thorin Oakenshield, if I must explain this to you but when a Dwarf and a Hobbit love each other very, very much...." 

_“Bilbo!”_

The rest of the Company, of course, were too busy gaping in shock at their King and Burglar.  They had initially thought Bilbo was _joking_. 

Gandalf, as always, was utterly unfazed.  “I always said that Hobbits are most remarkable creatures….” 

Bilbo finally had to explain a few things about the fairy blood in his Took ancestry.

It wasn’t something that the Tooks shared with outsiders and it was easier to say that their Ancestor Iain Took had a Fairy _Wife_ who bore him children, rather than a Fairy _Husband._   His beloved Snowlock, who was a fairy with little patience for fools, might have had a few things to say about that to the more clod-witted residents of the Shire.  Still, the Tooks who came later, possessed of Iain’s courage and good sensible hobbit-sense combined with Snowlock’s fierce intelligence and their mutual love of danger and adventure, simply let outsiders get the original story all wrong.  That there was, on occasion, a _male_ Took who was, like his distant fairy ancestor, able to bear children, was just taken in stride.

“Imagine that,” said Fili dreamily.  “Soon we’ll be hearing the pitter-patter of wee baby dwobbit feet.”

“And wait until we teach him to kill his first orc!” said Kili.

“Not,” said Bilbo sternly, “Until he’s past his tween years.  I strictly forbid it.  And - “  with a gentle tweak of Thorin’s long hair.  ” - you, future Papa, aren’t allowed to encourage them!” 

Thorin was still reeling from the news but he was a wise King and an even wiser Husband.  “Yes, dear.” 

Bilbo would soon develop a craving for fried taters and sour cream, a dish Thorin was actually quite good at preparing himself.

“The Little One’s hungry,” Bilbo would say, patting his rounded belly.  He would later start wincing when the babe inside was old enough to make his kicks felt. 

Thorin dearly wished that their Little One would stop plaguing Bilbo with hunger cravings at the oddest hours.  Hobbits had their seven meals a day but a post-post midnight snack and a pre-breakfast meal was utterly ridiculous.

Unfortunately, Thorin did not have the sense to keep this opinion to himself, which resulted in a week-long domestic between him and his beloved, if somewhat tetchy pregnant husband. 

Bilbo soon forgave Thorin when Thorin figured out how to soothe their restless Little One to sleep, who kept a poor and very tired of being pregnant Bilbo up at nights, by singing to him. 

And then, Bilbo absolutely loved the cheesecake Fili and Kili learned to make - a surprise he and Kili prepared to celebrate the arrival of their new baby dwobbit cousin.  Fili and Kili would now join Thorin in the kitchen in the Unholy Hours of the Morning, making something for a hungry Bilbo and Little One. 

Thorin and Bilbo’s Little One was born with a great deal of curly black hair, big blue eyes and hobbity feet.  They named him Frodo.  

Frodo would be guarded by Fluffy the Warg, who insisted on sleeping next to his cradle.  He would soon start crawling over the tail of one Very Amused Dragon.  Smaug didn't even mind when the little dwobbit decided to use his tail to teethe on but then dragon tails were rather tough.  During the winter, Frodo was perfectly content to curl up next to his very warm dragon baby-sitter.    
  
Frodo's first steps would be cheered on by two Happy Squirrels and a Hedgehog. 

In future visits to the Lonely Mountain, Thranduil, King of the Elves, would soon learn to get out of the way of rambunctious Dwarf Princes, two Squirrels, a Hedgehog, a Warg, a Dragon and one tiny little Dwobbit chasing each other around. 

His son Legolas, would soon be invited to join the game by the tiniest Prince of Erebor. It was very hard to say no to His Little Highness, as all of Middle-earth would eventually learn. 

Fili and Kili (especially Kili) would soon decide that Legolas was not half-bad for a Mirkwood Elf. 

If this is Foreshadowing for the fact that Legolas would eventually be accepted into the Very Strange and Odd Royal Family and Company, at least Legolas already had the approval of Thorin’s Royal Consort and the Princes of Erebor.  Poor Gloin was overruled.  Why his precious son Gimli couldn’t bring home a nice Dwarven lad or lass home instead would be a mystery for the Ages.   
  
 _\- end -_

 

**Author's Note:**

> **Note:**
> 
> *koff* Okay, so maaaaybe there’s a Sherlock reference in here or two.  And maaaaybe it wasn’t John Muse who got preggers.  My Sherlock Muse swears revenge.  Oh dear. 
> 
> **Note the Second:**
> 
> I don’t really ship Legolas/Gimli but you guys craaaaacked me.  I’m so doomed!
> 
> **Picture Source:** [Entertainmentphile @ Wordpress.com](http://entertainmentphile.wordpress.com/2012/09/11/new-photos-from-the-hobbit-an-unexpected-journey-including-first-look-at-lee-pace-as-legolas-dad-plus-more-pictures-of-thorin-oakenshield-bilbo-baggins-and-the-company-of-dwarves/hr_the_hobbit-_an_unexpected_journey_45/)


End file.
